


The Way You Look at Him

by mean_whale



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Confessions, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, First Meetings, First Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Discovery, kenma has a crush on akaashi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 08:08:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16869280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: Kenma's first year of high school comes with self-discovery, uncertainty, and a love confession.





	The Way You Look at Him

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was featured in the Haikyuu!! Connect zine

Kenma was used to Kuroo pulling him into new things (most of which he wouldn't have done on his own) and meeting new people (most of whom he wouldn't have met on his own), so when he started in the same high school as Kuroo, he was prepared to join the volleyball team and meet each one of Kuroo's friends. And it was fine. Kuroo's friends were Kuroo's friends so he didn't have to deal with them unless he met them while he was with Kuroo, and the team quickly learned to give him his space.

There was only one person who caused a problem, and Kenma immediately wanted to slap Kuroo for being friends with someone so troublesome.

“Finally you get to meet him!” Kuroo had said for what felt like the thousandth time when the team arrived to Fukurodani grounds.

Kenma smiled politely but kept quiet. He was sure that this friend would be the same as Kuroo's other friends: a bit loud, but civilised and good at reading his body language. What he did not expect was a full-on tornado of crazy black and white hair and laughter so loud it could probably be heard over the courtyard.

“Kuroo!” the voice yelled before the boy appeared.

Kenma could feel his body shrivel at the sight of the big muscular boy who seemed to tower over him as Kuroo responded to the greeting with a high five and a loud “Bokuto!”

This could not be the same Bokuto Kuroo had been talking about. Kuroo didn't make friends with loudmouth buffs. Kuroo made friends with sophisticated people whose voices didn't echo out of their chests like thunder.

“You're new!” Kenma was horrified to hear right next to him.

Bokuto had leaned down a bit to face him, and Kenma couldn’t help taking a startled step back, painfully aware that his face was giving out his exact feelings of nervous apprehension.

“He’s Kenma,” Kuroo said.

The look on Bokuto’s face shifted to something even more excited than it had been, and Kenma knew immediately that Kuroo had been talking about him beforehand.

“Hello, Kenma!” Bokuto nearly yelled, his body unable to contain all his happiness so he was making a jumping motion. “It’s so good to finally meet you!”

Kenma managed a smile.

*

Meeting Bokuto had been a hassle, but Kenma took solace in the fact that he wouldn’t have to spend much time with him. They were in different schools to begin with, and Bokuto was Kuroo’s friend, not his. He had spent their first joint practise doing his best to avoid any attention from Bokuto while scanning the Fukurodani team. His eyes had stopped to a beautiful boy several times, he had found himself taking in the graceful lines of the boy’s movement and the way he handled the ball. The boy was called Akaashi, and he wanted to say it out loud just to hear how it would sound.

Kenma had not expected his first joint practise to affect him so deeply.

While Kenma had never really thought about dating, he had had his share of small crushes on cute girls and the way they laughed. He had never looked at boys as desirable, and the way he looked at Akaashi Keiji was both familiar and unfamiliar; it was the same feeling he had had many times before but directed at a person who shouldn’t have aroused his interest.

He was conflicted to find out how often Nekoma and Fukurodani practised together. He was still struggling to fully identify what he felt towards Akaashi and seeing the boy in all his glory wasn’t helping. Then there was Bokuto.

It seemed that wherever Kenma went, Bokuto was there, always trying to strike up a conversation. Bokuto’s explosive happiness was scary, and Kenma didn’t know how to respond to it. Most often he shielded himself with Kuroo to divert Bokuto’s interest, most often it worked. After he witnessed Bokuto’s slump for the first time he got more frightened to interact with the older boy, fearing that Bokuto would take his withdrawal as rejection of friendship and get upset.

He brought it up with Kuroo once but didn’t get much help from there.

“Don’t worry, Kitten,” Kuroo had said. “He’s a big boy and can handle you being shy.”

“But Kuro,” he had tried, but the other boy didn’t let him protest.

“More importantly,” Kuroo continued as if Kenma hadn’t said anything. “What’s going on with you and Akaashi?”

“What do you mean?” Kenma asked, hoping in his heart that Kuroo didn’t mean the most obvious thing.

“I mean the way you look at him,” Kuroo said, confirming Kenma’s fears.

“I don’t look at him in any particular way,” Kenma said knowing full well that Kuroo couldn’t be fooled.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Kuroo replied. “But you do know that you can trust me, right? I’m not going to judge, no matter what you tell me.”

Kenma tried to glare at his friend, but failed, gave up the fight with a sigh.

“There really isn’t anything much going on,” he said. “I just… I just think I like him.”

Kuroo smiled encouragingly.

“I’m glad you’re making friends on your own,” he said. “But that’s not what you meant, right?”

Kenma shook his head.

“I think I have a crush on him,” he said quietly, a part of him hoping that Kuroo couldn’t hear.

“Oh, Kitten!” Kuroo gasped in an overly dramatic way. “You’ve grown!”

“Stop that,” Kenma said, voice void of real annoyance. “I don’t know, really. I like him as a friend, and I… He makes my heart feel funny. But I don’t think I would want to date him.”

Kuroo frowned in confusion, lips pursing in thought.

“I’m not sure I understand,” he said.

“I don’t understand it either,” Kenma said. “I think maybe I’m bi, but I’m also not really interested in him?”

“Well, feelings are though,” Kuroo had said wisely.

If only feelings were easy, Kenma thought every time he saw Akaashi. They had grown into friends, as Akaashi was everything Kenma would want in a person, but his other friends – well, mostly Kuroo – had never made him feel like Akaashi did. Yet, he didn’t think he would want to date him. He would return a kiss, if Akaashi in some miraculous way ever were to kiss him, he would gladly hold hands, if Akaashi ever wanted to, but he didn’t understand what else he would need to want to date someone.

As his first year of high school was drawing to a close, he was once again deep in thought, his inner turmoil taking up all his attention during a break and he didn’t notice Bokuto approach before he was right next to him with his loud greeting.

“You look troubled!” Bokuto announced to the entire gym.

Kenma looked up, thankful that he had learned to not coil away from Bokuto when he appeared. However, he was immediately trying to spot Kuroo to get away from the direct attention of the loud boy.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Bokuto said surprisingly softly, proving that he did have some control over his voice. “Can we talk after practise?”

“O- Okay,” Kenma stuttered in surprise.

Bokuto grinned wide and bright and turned around, heading towards a group of Fukurodani players. Kenma watched his confident step, the way he filled the entire gym while remaining true to who he was.

“You look confused,” Akaashi said beside him.

Startled, Kenma turned to look at the beautiful boy.

“I’m just thinking,” Kenma said quietly.

“Bokuto can seem daunting, but he’s kind,” Akaashi said.

“I’m constantly trying to remember that,” Kenma mumbled towards his shoes.

He heard Akaashi’s quiet laugh, lifted his head just in time to see the rare blinding smile.

*

Kenma wasn’t nervous – simply because he had no clue what Bokuto might want to talk about. Maybe Bokuto wanted to practise together with him, in which case he would disappoint.

Bokuto was already waiting, and Kenma was surprised to find the boy nervously fidgeting on his spot. It was so odd that Kenma nearly stopped and turned around. Bokuto had already noticed him, however, so he merely walked over.

“Hi,” Bokuto said quietly.

Kenma didn’t respond, simply nodded.

There was silence. Bokuto was biting his lips, fingers tangling and untangling, nervousness piercing his entire body just like every feeling always was. Kenma stood there, hands in the pockets of his hoodie, shorter but feeling much stronger than the suddenly fragile Bokuto before him.

“So,” Bokuto said and cleared his throat, not quite looking at Kenma. “I wasn’t really… Kuroo said I should, but I’m not sure.”

“Kuro put you up to this?” Kenma asked, unimpressed. “Is this some kind of a prank?”

“No, no!” Bokuto hurried to assure him. “I just told him I didn’t think talking to you was a good idea, but he said I should!”

“Talking to me is a bad idea why?” Kenma asked, more and more confused by Bokuto’s blabbering.

“Oh, I mean…” Bokuto took in a deep breath and let it out as a hurried sigh, shoulders slumping as the air left his body. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this.”

“I wouldn’t have thought talking was hard for you,” Kenma said before he could stop himself.

He warily looked at Bokuto, who only grinned apologetically.

“I don’t know how to say it,” Bokuto said. “So. I guess I’ll just say it.”

There was another deep breath, and Kenma waited patiently.

“I like you, Kenma,” Bokuto said.

It was so unexpected that Kenma had to think hard to make sure he had heard correctly. He then blinked in surprise, posture straightening, and all the while Bokuto was watching his reactions.

“I know it’s stupid,” Bokuto said before Kenma had a chance to open his mouth. “I mean, I’ve seen the way you look at Akaashi, but Kuroo figured it wouldn’t hurt to tell you because… Well, I’m not sure why. I’m not sure how he convinced me this was not the worst idea ever.”

“It’s-” Kenma started to say, but Bokuto wasn’t done yet.

“I know how you feel about Akaashi,” he said.

“No,” Kenma tried, but Bokuto had gone deaf to the world outside of himself.

“It’s so hopeless for me to even think I could measure up to Akaashi,” he continued his rant. “I’m not blind, you see, I know how amazing he is, and he would be a much better match for you. I guess I thought that maybe I could have a chance since he has a girlfriend and all, but I understand that you only have eyes for him.”

“Akaashi has a girlfriend?” was the first thing Kenma managed to blurt out.

Bokuto’s eyes widened in horror and he took a step back, lifting his hands towards his mouth but then freezing, letting them hover right below his chin.

“You didn’t know?” he asked, voice nearly breaking. “Oh my god, I thought you knew! I’m sorry! I’m just here breaking your heart and I didn’t even realise it.”

Kenma sighed as Bokuto ranted on, then lifted a hand to take a hold of Bokuto’s hand that was gently touching his own chin. Bokuto immediately went quiet, eyes suddenly so focused on Kenma it burned, but Kenma bit his cheek to stop himself from backing off now. He had made this move and he was going to follow through with it, even if it might mean more to Bokuto than it necessarily meant to him.

“I’m not interested in Akaashi,” he said when their hands came to a stop between them.

His hand was trembling slightly in Bokuto’s warm hold. The way Bokuto’s hand felt against his made his stomach flutter, his heart was speeding up, and his cheeks were burning, the fire spreading to his ears.

It was quiet again, distant sounds of other people leaving the school grounds somewhere behind the building a murmur in the quiet wind. Kenma knew he should say something more, explain the way their hands were clinging together, but he couldn’t. His head was empty, his mind a soft hum. He felt Bokuto’s warmth in a completely new way.

“Are you,” Bokuto finally said, voice wavering. “Are you interested in someone else?”

Kenma’s head was turned more down than up, he was staring at the way their hands fit together, how Bokuto’s fingers pressed against his skin.

“Not really,” he replied quietly. “Maybe.”

He felt Bokuto grimace next to him, felt how the warm hand started to pull away.

“Bokuto,” Kenma hurried to say, forced himself to look up at least briefly. “I have never… I don’t know if this is just the excitement of a new situation, and I don’t know if we are a good match. But if you are willing to try, I’m willing to try too.”

“But you always try to get away from me,” Bokuto said with a hint of sadness in his voice.

“I don’t dislike you,” Kenma said. “And the more I spend time with you the more I understand why.”

“Are you…” Bokuto tried. “Are we boyfriends now?”

Kenma couldn’t help smiling.

“If you want to be,” he said, “then I want to be.”

*

Even after several months of dating, Kenma was still surprised over his decision to date Bokuto. He hadn’t lied when he had said that he wasn’t really interested in anyone, and immediately after leaving Bokuto that day, he had regretted saying that he wanted to try. The truth was that he hadn’t paid much thought to Bokuto outside of direct interaction with him.

What surprised Kenma even more, however, was how Bokuto had quickly grown on him, how Bokuto was much more thoughtful than he had first expected, how Bokuto seemed to do anything to make sure he was feeling comfortable. A few weeks into the relationship Bokuto had asked if they could kiss, then quickly added that they would wait as long as it took when Kenma refused.

They still hadn’t kissed, and it was constantly on Kenma’s mind. He had never kissed anyone, and the thought of his first kiss made him nervous. The thought of his first kiss with Bokuto made him even more nervous, because he felt that it would be the final seal on their relationship; it would make everything just a bit more real, a bit more serious, and breaking up would become just a bit more difficult if he suddenly realised that the entire thing had been a mistake. In fact, he had been waiting for that feeling to hit him, the knowledge that Bokuto was wrong for him and he had made a massive mistake and would break Bokuto’s heart, but it never came. It hadn’t come after their first date, it hadn’t come after their most recent date.

“Kuro, am I only leading him on?” he had asked his friend one day, but Kuroo had only laughed.

“Kitten, you worry over nothing,” Kuroo had said. “The two of you are good together! Maybe I wouldn’t have thought that beforehand but seeing how he acts around you and how you look at him, there’s nothing to worry about.”

“What do you mean how I look at him?” Kenma asked.

“Like you’re head over heels in love,” Kuroo said and ducked to avoid being hit with the pillow Kenma had thrown.

Kenma couldn’t stop worrying. He had spent so much time staring at Bokuto’s lips it must have been hours in total. He had imagined what it would be like to feel them against his own. More than once he had felt the urge to lean closer, no distance between them as they would finally kiss, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that nor ask for it.

Gradually his worry morphed. He wasn’t quite as worried about the result of kissing Bokuto as he was about the result of not kissing Bokuto. He knew that Bokuto had dated before, had kissed more than one person before. Surely, he was expecting the same from Kenma, and Kenma wasn’t giving it to him. Eventually Bokuto would tire of waiting and call it off to find someone who would kiss him without such a burden of worries.

This was what Kenma was thinking about while watching a movie in Bokuto’s room, leaning lightly against Bokuto’s shoulder and pretending to know what was going on. The end titles came on, and Kenma hardly knew who the main character had been.

Bokuto shifted, and Kenma lifted his body away to allow room for him to stretch his arms.

“That was good,” Bokuto said.

“Mm-hmm,” Kenma replied, hoping that Bokuto wasn’t expecting a conversation about the movie.

“Is something wrong?” Bokuto asked, turning his attention to his boyfriend.

Kenma wanted to say no, but instead said nothing. He was picking on a fibre of fabric on his knee.

“Kenma?” Bokuto asked softly, brushing back Kenma’s hair to expose his face.

“It’s nothing,” Kenma finally said, but didn’t meet Bokuto’s eyes.

“Was the movie boring?” Bokuto asked, sounding slightly discouraged.

Kenma shrugged. His knees were trembling, and he didn’t know if he wanted to pull them closer to himself or lower them to hide his nerves. He could see the signs of dejection creeping up on Bokuto.

“Are you getting bored of me?” he blurted out.

Bokuto’s head perked up at the question.

“What?” Bokuto said. “No. Why would I?”

“We still haven’t kissed,” Kenma mumbled to his knees.

“I told you we’ll wait as long as you need to,” Bokuto said.

“It’s not like you’d wait forever,” Kenma argued. “You’ll get tired of waiting for one simple kiss, let alone more.”

“More?” Bokuto repeated. “Kenma, I’m not going to lie. Yes, it would be good to kiss you and hold you and touch you more, but I’m also perfectly content like this. I wasn’t joking when I said I’d wait.”

“We should do it,” Kenma said. “We should kiss.”

He glanced at Bokuto, who was now squinting at him.

“Why?” Bokuto asked. “I don’t think you’re ready. You’re not even talking to me, you’re talking to your legs.”

Kenma bit his lip and turned his head towards Bokuto.

“We should kiss now,” he insisted.

“No way,” Bokuto immediately replied. “You’re still not looking at me saying that. There’s no way you’re ready.”

Kenma frowned. He had thought this would be easy, that Bokuto would immediately jump to the opportunity and it would finally be over with. He hadn’t expected to have to explain why they should kiss right now rather than wait for another week or more.

“Don’t you want to kiss me?” he asked to try a different tactic.

“Of course I do,” Bokuto said, placing a hand on Kenma’s trembling knee. “I just don’t want you to force yourself.”

“I’m not,” Kenma said, this time looking properly at Bokuto.

Bokuto didn’t look convinced in the least.

“I just waited,” Kenma said slowly, “because I was afraid it would make you fall for me more.”

Bokuto scratched his chin with his free hand.

“I’m not following,” he said.

“What if my feelings for you aren’t genuine?” Kenma finally let out the one thing that had been bothering him. “What if I’m only with you because you were the first one to ask?”

Bokuto’s face fell, but his hand remained on Kenma’s knee, its soft presence somehow reassuring.

“Do you think that you don’t like me?” Bokuto asked quietly.

“No,” Kenma said. “I like you a lot. I really like you. But what if… What if I suddenly won’t?”

“Why would you suddenly not like me?” Bokuto asked perplexed. “I realise that sometimes feelings just… change or disappear or whatever, but why would it suddenly happen now?”

Kenma didn’t say anything. He was disappointed that Bokuto didn’t immediately understand the conflict inside him but was also disappointed that he had expected Bokuto to understand his feelings when he wasn’t sure he understood them himself.

“You said that you’re not sure if you only like me because I liked you,” Bokuto said. “But wouldn’t you have figured that out by now?”

Kenma stayed quiet. Bokuto pulled his hand away, leaving behind a cold spot on Kenma’s knee. It felt like rejection, it felt like Kenma’s heart was being torn to pieces, and he suddenly wanted to cry. He wished he was at home, so he could curl up under a blanket and cry his heart out until he could no more.

“Maybe I’m not very good at these things,” Bokuto said, “but aren’t you more afraid that I’ll stop liking you?”

“I don’t know,” Kenma said, voice full of desperation. “I don’t understand my feelings. I haven’t understood them ever since I first saw Akaashi and realised I like boys.”

“Oh,” Bokuto said so quietly Kenma hardly heard him. “You’re still thinking about Akaashi.”

“No!” Kenma yelled, startling himself. “I’m not thinking about him. I was never really thinking about him.”

Bokuto didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to; Kenma could clearly see the pain on his face.

“Don’t you understand?” Kenma asked desperately. “I never knew I could be interested in boys before I first saw him. It’s hard. It’s like I was suddenly someone different. Like I wasn’t Kenma anymore.”

Bokuto blinked slowly.

“It’s scary,” Kenma added before lowering his head in embarrassment.

He closed his eyes. Blood was humming loudly in his ears, and he was mentally preparing himself to the breakup that was about to happen. Instead he felt a hand take a hold of his, and he opened his eyes to see Bokuto looking at him with a small frown.

“I didn’t realise that was an issue for you,” Bokuto said. “I… I always knew I liked boys, and I just assumed you were the same.”

Kenma squeezed the warm hand in his hold.

“I need to kiss you,” he said.

“Why?” Bokuto asked, this time with less confrontation.

“To know that it’s the right thing to do,” Kenma said.

Bokuto watched his face, and he wished that he wasn’t burning up so badly.

“If you’re sure,” Bokuto said. “But Kenma, you don’t have to worry about the other stuff. When you feel like you’re ready, I’m waiting for you.”

Kenma managed a small, nervous smile. Bokuto shifted closer and lifted his free hand to Kenma’s cheek, brushing over the cheekbone with his thumb.

When their lips connected, it wasn’t fireworks and instant understanding. It was a soft touch that made Kenma’s tummy flip, his heart tremble, it made him yearn for more, and it was over too soon. Bokuto leaned his forehead against Kenma’s, breathing slowly, fingers sinking into Kenma’s hair. Kenma had his eyes closed, suddenly filled with peace.

Bokuto kissed him again, still no deeper than the first time, but Kenma was now sure.

This was the right thing to do.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this earlier this year, like... February? I was kind of nervous to read it again but it's still nice!
> 
> Some news for those of you who read like all of my stuff: last month was NaNoWriMo, so I wrote a book, except the story didn't want to end in 50k words so I'm now hoping to continue writing it until it does end. So I'm maybe focusing on that more than fics for now. But I also want to get out one more kinktober fic to make it an even 10. Hopefully I'll soon have the energy to return to my two ongoing fics too!
> 
> Also I disapprove of Tumblr's weird new policy (as well as stuff from the past) so I have decided to delete all my blogs there.
> 
> [mastodon](https://fandom.ink/@mean_whale) \- [writing list](https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html)
> 
> [personal twitter](https://twitter.com/mean_whale) \- [linktree](https://linktr.ee/rtilhi)


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